A Smile Can Hide a lot of Things

So erm hey, this is like really really ultra different to what I would normally put up on here and it’s just something I’m doing to get things off my chest and try to settle more than anything.
As some of you may have noticed, twitter people and real life people I’ve not really been myself lately and I think I’m just going to use this space to do some explaining and to generally say what’s happening. Mainly because I’m sick of all the you’re moody, you’re attention seeking, and it’s just a phase comments so before you read this as say any of these things you can kindly piss off because this is how I feel and you can’t exactly change these feelings…I don’t expect many people will read this so I don’t even know why I’m bothering but I think it’ll give those who do an insight to my life at the moment, so yeah, here goes.
Firstly there’s college. Oh my fucking god now that’s a place. My assumptions of the place have been more or less confirmed the last few weeks and to say the least I absolutely hate it, so much that on 5 occasions since starting I’ve started crying over it. Chaos is better organised than that place, I mean two weeks just to get a timetable!? And even after that I’m only there on Mondays for something that is actually to do with my horticulture qualification. The rest of the time is other pointless qualifications I didn’t even sign on for. I’ve always wanted to do A levels and this is something I can’t get across to my mum or my nana…it’s more or less said to me that you are incapable of making a decision and it’s out of your hands. Well I can tell you one thing now, my course tutorial is tomorrow and everything I want to be said about the matter will be said and if that means changing to do A levels then that’s what is going to happen. You are NOT in charge of my career, I am so frankly all you can have is an opinion.
This brings me onto my next topic, my family…For starters I apparently not gay, when quite clearly I am, and that’s how I’m always going to be. It is NOT a so called “phase” it’s permanent and like it or not, I will be having boyfriends. Next there’s the fact that my mum hates all of my friends except one who in all fairness isn’t really a friend as they’ve made no effort to see me, and I’ve always been second bested to, so if that’s qualities you look for in your friends then fair enough, but I know who my friends are and we love each other very much and I’m lucky to have them…what actually is it that they’ve done!? Made me have a social life!? I overhear you talking about me all the time and distinctly remember you saying I had no one round to my house or went out, yet the minute that starts happening you hate them. Oh and that’s another thing, mum and nana…I’m not exactly the most social of people in fact I’m probably socially awkward so making friends is incredibly hard for me, this is because of what has happened at high school which you didn’t really seem to care about. And the fact that you’re like once Hannah and Beth move to college I’ll never see them again and shouldn’t bother with them is wrong…times have changed and like it or not they probably will be best friends for life.
Right what’s next oh this is what really upsets me at the moment. I see all these cute couples together, the people I like, and those you just can’t have and it makes me so lonely. I feel like I’ll never have a relationship because its just that I mean I’m not exactly the most attractive of people and I’m socially awkward, not exactly the best qualities for potential boyfriends. I just wish I could find a boyfriend but I don’t think it’s going to happen…I mean there’s the people you become close to on twitter which you would probably be with in a heartbeat but there’s distance. My last relationship was with the most awesome person, cute, sexy, full of awesomeness, had beautiful eyes and would probably have worked had it not been because of distance but never mind. I just want a boyfriend where we can be best friends, cuddle in bed, kiss and do everything and anything together but the problem is Preesall. Nobody and I mean nobody is gay, literally, I try to find someone and it’s like oh you’re straight, not good, but yeah that’s that, sad lonely teenager.
What else, not sure if there is anything but I suppose I could go on and on but I’m not going to because I feel like I’ve let enough emotion out now, it just needed to be said because I’ve been so down this month and have been hiding everything behind a smile.
So I’m going to leave on a positive, my friends have been the best lately, I love them lots and lots and they are just so awesome. Also I managed to get a job at Lush in Preston which I didn’t think would happen. Surprisingly enough I’m not really socially awkward there, which I find really strange, it’s like I have a new found confidence, pity it can’t lead out from there lol. But yeah that’s my little weird thing, and I feel a bit better now after this so yeah, bye and feel free to comment if you wanna xxx


7 thoughts on “A Smile Can Hide a lot of Things

  1. Dude, sounds like life sucks right now. I’m sorry, because i really admire what you’ve done and have enjoyed your blog, and your balls for putting your thoughts and words out there for us.
    September’s a tricky time in college, but be patient with the people involved, and rattle the college’s cage- i’ve been lecturing Hort in a college for a while and if it’s not up to your expectations, you must tell them, and stand your ground. You have one shot at free education when you are young- it’s your right and you should get the value from it that you deserve. I have met loads of ppl who go backto hort after messin around with rubbish careers for years- and it gets expensive and takes ages when you’re older.
    The three best things about studying Hort at college, imho, are 1, inspiring role models or various experiences n contacts of staff, 2, nptc certificates for free,and 3, making a group of friends who have similar interests and ambitions- who knows where it might lead.

    But if a-levels are more your bag, change quick and you won’t lose out. You’d go far with english or biology or design or whatever Keep the friends you made from your blog. And you’re a good networker- be impertinent and ask advice from older green-fingered types. we may be uncool but most would want your enthusiasm and inquisitiveness to continue to take you places in horticulture and design.

    As for being the only gay in the village- tell me about it! But whether it’s your choices in love or the colour of your hair teenagers are always bitches. Hold fast, be you, be strong and get your education. Then take off and travel the world. Explore the scene. Be seen. Be whatever you want to be.

    I’m gay, i’m a horticulturalist, i’ve been hacked off in nowheresville. But believe me it’ll pass. And if you’re keen to make something of your life, sometimes a boring place can be just the rigt settig for an adventure in ideas. Read Aldo Busi, read Tim Richardson , follow Gross Max, hunt out The Poetics of Gardens, be inspired, be avant guarde. But above all, learn what it takes to be happy. That is the most important thing you can ever learn- and some people wait all their lives for the timetable for that.

  2. Oh and by the way, the other qualifications they make you do, that’s just so they can get more money. You’re not their puppet -and you dont have to hang with the remedials- Don’t do them if they don’t make sense to you. Do some meaningful work instead. You could talk your way into anything.

  3. You hang in there. You are in the midst of a really difficult time in life, so give yourself a chance to breathe and allow yourself to feel these strong emotions. You will find love-he is out there somewhere! These things will find ways of working themselves out. Just keep your hands in the dirt growing things and write down all of your thoughts. It helps. You will someday appreciate the fact that you are not like everyone else! Unique is good. Sending a hug!

  4. What a life!

    If there’s a way to explain to the college – letting them know what you think might help others as well as you. A bit obvious – and maybe a bit trite to say it – but that doesn’t mean it’s not so.

    Suspect many heterosexual people (not just teenagers) would identify with what you say about meeting people.

    Putting all together – college, family, relationships – I expect you have considered moving elsewhere, finding a different course. Maybe you will have to wait a couple of years, get A’levels or other qualifications first – but it’s always good to have something to look forward to. Sometimes, you can experience something of the creativity and happiness of your life yet-to-come in advance of it being a reality, simply by planning for it.

  5. I really enjoy your blog and tweets.Sorry to hear life is tough.I was in the same position at your age.I wasn’t’t looking for or expected to meet anyone compatible..but ,then just when I warn’ t looking my life partner came into my life….that was thirty three years ago.As for my horticultural qualification….it gets put to good use in my down garden!!!!I will follow your progress with interest and wishing you well.

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